I just realized something...

And I feel like an idiot for just now realizing it, too. Twilight is the teenage version of the Harlequin Romance novels.

Yes, I have read a few of the Harlequin novels. As a teen no less, because when you really want something read, you read what's available. I will say my mom didn't leave what I suspect were the really racy ones out where I could read them, but even just the mystery versions had plenty of 'romance' (and I use that term loosely) in them. I will also confess that I never finished Twilight. I think I made it through the first chapter and felt brain cells dying, so I gave up on it. So I never really climbed on the anti-Twilight bandwagon, though what I did read and the Sinus Show riffing of the movie are enough to make me weep that it's considered literature. But I ran across a hilarious review that has nice list of various things as well as actual quotes. And reading through that gave me flashbacks to some of the Harlequin novels that I read.

For example:
- In a Harlequin Romance novel, a woman meets a man, is entranced by his sexy/beautiful/wondrous body, falls in love, is rescued somehow, has sex, there is some conflict separating them but he finds her and they live happily ever after.
- In Twilight, girl meets boy, is entranced by his beautiful/sparkly body, falls in love, is rescued somehow, don't know if they have sex in the first book but I'm sure they eventually do since she becomes pregnant, there is conflict separating them and putting her in danger (multiple times since it's a series of books), he finds/rescues her, and they probably live happily ever after. Eventually.

I am no longer surprised and annoyed that so many housewives just love this series. I guess the whole vampire part gives the same 'romance' story a new flavor they were missing, as well as it being a story with sequels. It does make me sad that this inane drivel is considered literature, but there's not really anything I can do about it except write my own 'romance' series. And let's face it, I'd be too busy laughing at the genre to take it seriously. My herone would be some alien in human form and the hero not only has to resuce her, but then have kinky alien sex where the holes are in the wrong places and she gets confused and things end up where they shouldn't.

And that's terrible.
10/05/11 12:11, by , Categories: dubird.net , Tags: , ,

Brake Lights

So, driving to work this morning in rush hour, I realized that no two people use their brakes the same way. Some slam them on at the last minute, and some ride them for miles. But just having one set of brake lights doesn't really help. So I propose a new set of brake lights, which will activate different lights based on how hard you're pushing your brake pedal.

1. Maximum Space - "I must maintain the exact space between myself and the car in front of me, down to the last inch, so I will tap my brakes multiple times to adjust."

2. Slow Stop - "Just going to ease to a stop across twice the distance I need to give the illusion that I'm still making good time by actually moving."

3. Regular Stop - Your standard, normal stopping power.

4. Extra Stop - "Ok, need to actually stop faster than I thought, sorry about that!"

5. Oh Shit - "I'm slamming on the brakes at the last possible second or some asshat is cutting me off! OH GOD, PLEASE STOP!!"
09/22/11 12:10, by , Categories: dubird.net , Tags: ,

Dentist Part 2

Mom: Hey sweetie! Just called to see how you were doing!
Me: *mumbling because I can't move my jaw* Miserable. Tooth extraction yesterday.
Mom: I know, that's why I called. Just wanted to make sure everything went ok.
Me: So.....you called the day after, when I can't speak clearly?
Mom: How is that different than any other time?
Me: Love you too, Mom.
09/12/11 12:05, by , Categories: dubird.net , Tags: , , ,

Not as exciting as I hoped.

Me: So, did I do or say anything while I was sedated after the dentist visit?
FSpoon: Well the weak flailing looking for my shoulder was amusing.
Me: I mean besides that.
FSpoon: No, you pretty much just crashed.
Me: That's not enough to fill out a post.
FSpoon: Call your mom and see if she knows any other time.


Me: So, when I had that surgary on my wrist, did I say or do anything while sedated?
Mom: I don't know, I wasn't in the operating room.
Me: I mean after.
Mom: Oh, no. You pretty much just crashed on the sofa and tried not to hit yourself with your cast.
Me: Damn, I'm boring when I'm drugged.
Mom: At least I don't have to worry about you getting high and stealing a car or something.
Me: That would at least give me something funny to post about.
08/11/11 12:03, by , Categories: dubird.net , Tags: , , ,


I finally got my ass in gear and went the dentist recently. For those that don't know me, I'm TERRIFIED of the dentist's office. I've never had a positive experience there, and just walking into one makes me start shaking. So FSpoon suggested the one that he goes to. Not only do they offer different payment plans (necessary, since I have no dental insurance), they also offer sedation dentistry. I was not aware that you could actually be sedated for dental work that didn't involve surgery, so I agreed to go. FSpoon agreed to go with me and be reassuring, so I made my first appointment and showed up. I ended up with a ream of forms to fill out while FSpoon played Angry Birds, then they called me back for the evaluation. They x-rayed and photographed my teeth, then the dentist sat down and wrote up a list of things that needed to be done, one of which had to be taken care of immediately if I didn't want to end up with a root canal. I wanted it to be an all-day affair and take care of everything at once so I wouldn't have to go through it again. So we made an appointment, FSpoon agreed to drop me off and pick me up, and they sent me off with the prescriptions.

We end up setting our alarm clocks and getting up early (well, FSpoon got up early, I didn't really sleep that much), and made it to the dentist. He escorts me in, probably to make sure I don't bolt, and gives the dentist his contact info so they can call him when they're done and he can come pick me up. The Dental Assistant then escorts me to the back, also probably to make sure I don't bolt, and gives me the sedative. I turn on my music and just sit there, trying to relax. After about thirty minutes, she comes back in and declares me to be relaxed enough to start and summons the Tooth Cleaner. The Tooth Cleaner is the lady doing the deep cleaning on my teeth. She starts on the top, firing up some whirling device that spits water on my teeth and goes to work. However, after a few minutes, she stops because I keep flinching away while she's cleaning. This was not a result of panic, it was because the tool she was using was sharp and she kept hitting my gums. Of COURSE I'm going to flinch because it fucking hurts! She calls for the Novocaine Lady, who comes in and starts shooting Novocaine into my gums. While they're doing that, the Assistant comes in and gives me another sedative. The Novocaine Lady finishes her job, and they all step back to let the sedative take effect.

This is my last really clear memory of the day.

I do remember waking up enough to realize that my music was off and groping for my Kindle, only to pass out before I could mumble anything. I also do remember being shook awake and told that FSpoon was here to pick me up. According to him, I was then escorted from the office, not because they were afraid I was going to bolt, but because I apparently had no concept of where the ground was. They poured me into his car, buckled me up, and we started home. Now, normally, when he drives I tend to rest my hand on his shoulder. But this time, I apparently couldn't find his shoulder. I found his ear, his arm, his glasses, and the top of his head, but no matter how I flailed, I could not find his shoulder. Defeated, I passed out again and woke up on the couch, where I asked for some pain killers. But being passed out didn't stop me from taking the ones he gave me five minutes before I asked, so he very gently refused. He then left me to my devices on the couch because there's not a lot of entertainment watching someone sleep and drool.

I do remember waking up some time later because the couch was not comfortable anymore. I'm not completely sure why, but being sprawled half off of it might have had something to do with it. So I got up and staggered into the bedroom, where I tried to crash on the bed. But it wasn't comfortable either, possibly because I couldn't get my legs up on it. So I gave up on that and staggered into my office. At this point I was waking up enough to have mostly-coherent thoughts, and I figured I might as well watch some MST3K while I was uncomfortable. So I queued up several episodes on my computer, and crashed on the couch in there. This was apparently comfortable enough that I was able to fully pass out again, and I slept until my alarm for my regular meds went off. I pushed the kitty off me, took my regular meds and more pain killers, and managed to climb into bed.

The result of all this was two major fillings, multiple smaller ones (as a sidenote, if you have acid reflux, it does cause cavities!), and nice clean teeth. However, since it took so long for the sedative to work on me, they didn't have time to finish. So I get to look forward to going back and getting the extraction done.

FSpoon suggested videotaping my being drunk on sedatives this time around. I was not amused.
08/08/11 12:01, by , Categories: dubird.net , Tags: , , ,